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How's my friend and I's first chapter?
Chapter One:
At nine o’clock in the evening, nearly after an entire day spent laboring over the project, my work was done. Before me stood a worn, rusting car—for my money only had worth at the junk yard—morphed by my modifications, though appearing to be usable none the less. This was the result of my endless dreaming, the next leap forward in human technology… the first ever time machine.
“Lexi,” I called, cleaning the oil residue from my hands with a thin rag, “Come out here for a second!”
In a few moments, my younger sibling appeared in the garage doorway. “What is it Maia?” she inquired, when her eyes suddenly became locked on the time machine. “Oh my God…” she breathed, her gaze subject to the wonder of my contraption, “Is this what you’ve been working on for so long?”
“Yeah,” I chortled. Hell, sometimes she got annoying with the simplest of questions, “I’m testing it out right now, and I need you to film it.”
She remained motionless, dazed in awe. When I called her name once more, she seemed to have broken free from that enchantment, nodded, and went to retrieve the video camera. I adjusted a few things in the time she was absent, checking the fuel tank, tightening a few bolts…. She had just returned when I finished recalibrating the set time—five minutes into the future. As the red light flashed to life and the deep, reflective lens of the camera was aimed at me, the experiment began.
I cleared my throat. “The date is July 19, 2010, the time being exactly 9:05pm. Today, I will travel exactly five minutes into the future using this modified vehicle.” I motioned to the car resting behind me. My mind blanked; professionalism was not a practice of mine. After a brief pause, I decided to feed that anxious hunger growing rapidly within me. “Well,” I sighed, a grin taking root upon my lips, “I suppose I should start then.” I waltzed over to the time machine, seating myself in the weathered driver’s position, and placed the key in the ignition.
“Wait, Maia!” Lexi cried, freezing my hand just before it started the engine. “Aren’t you too dang young to drive?”
I tossed my gaze. “I won’t be freaking driving.” I told her. “I just need the protection of the car in case the vortex between here and five minutes ahead is…intolerable.” With that, I closed the door, and turned the key.
The time machine roared to life, the dashboard bursting alight with gauges and meters no car manufacturer would ever dream existed. My lips curled in sustained adrenaline, quavering hands grasping the wheel, I began to travel. Originally, the motion was smooth and flawless, then, the car rattled. Plumes of black smog choked from the exhaust tubes, filling the air with a putrid scent as the machine forced itself through time. This was not falling in accordance with my plan; calamity was in my wake.
Hastily, I fumbled for the silver key that had given life to this monstrosity, though discovered with much disdain that it was firmly clamped in the ignition. I was too frightened to merely step out of the time machine, for a flurry of color had already begun swirling outside the windshield. “No!” I yelled. “Stop, stop, stop!” My voice had dipped into a slightly lower octave, cultivating a gently hollow edge as the chaos proceeded. Panting, feeling as though my flesh had become the sun’s surface, I began to watch my dream shatter. Death seemed to be much closer than the future.
After what had seemed to be an eternity, the machine jolted to a halt. I forced myself into the open night, no longer in my garage, but instead in a field of dry grass under a clouded sky. The time no longer seemed to be at nine o’clock, but rather before that, at an overcast dusk. With unrelenting coughs ravaging my throat, I staggered toward a faint haze of light glowing just beyond the horizon.
My legs lifted as though enormous cinderblocks weighed them down, allowed only a brief moment in the air before being restrained again. Vertigo consumed my mind, the city lights surfacing into view resembling that of the blur whilst in the time machine. Alas, my body could not withstand the burden of this new era any longer. I collapsed to the earth just before the city’s reach. In the final moments of consciousness I possessed, a rounded shadow veered beside me. Two figures emerged from its hull, conversing with inaudible voices to one another, darkness consuming the world just as they approached.
“Damn,” I thought to myself, “who or what the hell are these guys –things?”
I like this! I would definetly keep reading, I love stories with adventure. Very good! Write more! [:
I need your comments, reviews, critiques, questions, etc?
I decided to write from the middle to get myself into the story. The character is Vanessa and she is incognito in a vampire bar. She is snooping around to spy on them. I'll post the link to the plot summary at the bottom of this question in a minute. Anyways here it is.
______________________________________…

I sat at the bar scanning the place making sure I wasn't being watched. Relax, I told myself. Be natural. I began to take a deep breath but paused. Did vampires breathe? I tried to remember it from the informational video Cris and Ambrose showed me. Think. Think. THINK!
"Hey!" I jumped slightly and turned to see a wild haired Spanish girl smiling at me. "I haven't seen you around here. Are you new?" I didn't know what to say so I simply nodded. "Well welcome to Las Vegas!"
"Thanks."
"My names Rita. What's yours?" I deliberated on whether I should tell her my real name.
"Selena." I decided it was best if she didn't know all the details. Besides, it wasn't like she needed to remember it. I was only incognito for this one night.
"Oh, cool name. But, um, if you don't mind me asking...what happened to your fangs?" ****!
My heart seemed to drop to my stomach and rebound into my throat. Fangs! How could I forget about the fangs? "Um...", I started. "I, uh, um..."
"I understand if you don't want to tell me. It being a personal question and all..."
"It's okay", I stammered. "I uh, don't know." She looked at me intently with a smile still on her face.
"Maybe it was the vampire that changed you. They must have been one of those half breeds. You know the ones who were born from a human. They're really rare though. Did you get a chance to look at their teeth when they were biting you?"
"No. I was too busy...screaming." She laughed lightly and I laughed nervously not wanting to look unnatural.
"Well it's cool. You're unique. Anyways you gotta let me buy you a drink! As a welcoming gift. My cousin owns this bar so I get free drinks all the time. What do you want? A-type, B-type..."
"Um..."
"Wait! I know! I should get you the Lemon Rocker."
"What's that?"
"It's O-type with a lemon vodka. Trust me. It's AMAZING!" My stomach churned at the thought of drinking blood.
"No, it's alright. I've already had my fill on the way here." Rita was already motioning to the bar tender to bring us drinks."
"I insist! Trust me there is nothing better than blood and alcohol. Plus, you need to loosen up. You look so tense."
"I don't know."
"C'mon. We're dead! Live a little!"
actually its really good! i like your style of writing!
Writers. Advice on this part of my story?
I sat at the bar scanning the place making sure I wasn't being watched. Relax, I told myself. Be natural. I began to take a deep breath but paused. Did vampires breathe? I tried to remember it from the informational video Cris and Ambrose showed me. Think. Think. THINK!
"Hey!" I jumped slightly and turned to see a wild haired Spanish girl smiling at me. "I haven't seen you around here. Are you new?" I didn't know what to say so I simply nodded. "Well welcome to Las Vegas!"
"Thanks."
"My names Rita. What's yours?" I deliberated on whether I should tell her my real name.
"Selena." I decided it was best if she didn't know all the details. Besides, it wasn't like she needed to remember it. I was only incognito for this one night.
"Oh, cool name. But, um, if you don't mind me asking...what happened to your fangs?" ****!
My heart seemed to drop to my stomach and rebound into my throat. Fangs! How could I forget about the fangs? "Um...", I started. "I, uh, um..."
"I understand if you don't want to tell me. It being a personal question and all..."
"It's okay", I stammered. "I uh, don't know." She looked at me intently with a smile still on her face.
"Maybe it was the vampire that changed you. They must have been one of those half breeds. You know the ones who were born from a human. They're really rare though. Did you get a chance to look at their teeth when they were biting you?"
"No. I was too busy...screaming." She laughed lightly and I laughed nervously not wanting to look unnatural.
"Well it's cool. You're unique. Anyways you gotta let me buy you a drink! As a welcoming gift. My cousin owns this bar so I get free drinks all the time. What do you want? A-type, B-type..."
"Um..."
"Wait! I know! I should get you the Lemon Rocker."
"What's that?"
"It's O-type with a lemon vodka. Trust me. It's AMAZING!" My stomach churned at the thought of drinking blood.
"No, it's alright. I've already had my fill on the way here." Rita was already motioning to the bar tender to bring us drinks."
"I insist! Trust me there is nothing better than blood and alcohol. Plus, you need to loosen up. You look so tense."
"I don't know."
"C'mon. We're dead! Live a little!" The bartender brought us two glasses with lemon slices on the edge and mini umbrellas. "You want to make a toast."
"To life!"
"And death!"
I pretended to drink while she chugged down her "Lemon Rocker".
"So where are you from?"
"New York."
She sucked in her breath and stared off into the distance. "Wait...Oh my gosh! Ahh! This is...my song!" A rap song came on over the speakers. She climbed on top of the bar and started dancing. "Whooo! Turn it up!" I could tell that Lemon Rocker was not the only drink she had tonight and I doubt it would be her last. "Selena come dance with me!" I looked around and realized she was talking to me. Oh right. That was my "name". "C'mon" This chick was demanding. I could tell I wasn't going to get out of this. I ungracefully pulled myself on top of the bar and tried to imitate her hip swinging and twirling.
This is better than the average fare to be found on Y!A. You seem to be developing a distinct style and voice and you have a basic hold on the less tangible items that make writing good. That said, you still need quite a bit of work.

Learn how to properly format your dialogue. Every time there's a new speaker, you create a new paragraph. There are some exceptions to this, but if you start a paragraph for every new speaker, you'll almost never go wrong. Plus, it looks nicer on the page and it's much easier for the reader to sort out who's saying what.

Also, watch for banalities in your characters' dialogue. Rita (I think it's Rita, your dialogue doesn't make that very clear,) doesn't need to do all the idle chit-chat. Try having the introductions, then Rita goes right to the drinks. It might sound confusing now, but once you start writing, it's actually very clear.

I liked the take on the vampires (however unique or not unique it may be), however, you took the idea and smacked us (your readers,) in the face with it. Part of the problem was with Rita's dialogue, especially when she was talking about the blood drinks. Tone it down.

Another problem is your narrator is a little too chatty. First person narrators are merciless in this respect. You are too far in your character's head, something easy to do with this point of view. Instead of spending time in her head, having her tell us things, have Selena, your narrator, show things.

For example, if I were to do your introductions, cutting the chatter while I'm at it, I might write it like this:

"Hey!"

I jumped and turned to see a wild-haired Spanish girl smiling at me.

"Haven't seen you around here? You new?"

All I could think to do was nod.

"Welcome to Las Vegas! I'm Rita, who're you?"

"I'm Selena." It was probably in my best interest to use a fake name.

Behind us, the bar erupted in a blood-drunken frenzy. Shattering glasses and bodies made my already pale skin go even paler. I cringed. Didn't even know that was possible.
-----
Here, I've fixed the dialogue, toned Rita down a little, and tried to put the reader less in Selena's head and more in the scene. It's difficult to demonstrate this, because this kind of thing almost demands I rewrite the entire piece to show you. Since you seem to know at least some of what to do, I think you'll catch it on your own.

Watch weasel words such as "pretended", "seemed", "appeared", "looked", "might have been", "felt like", etc. Anything that keeps you from saying something directly or forcefully. These weaken your writing. The more words in any one sentence, the less impact that sentence has.

For example, if I were to say, "this story is awful", the impact would be greater. The main idea and its descriptor are close together (not the technical terms for these, but bear with me,) and so have greater impact. Now if I said, "this story, while it certainly has great merit and style, is, quite simply, awful", I'd probably have less of an impact, depending on whether you saw the sentence as a line of critique, or a condescending statement. The point is, you lose impact when you let weasel words into your writing. Aim to have none of them at all.

Here's one that stuck out at me: "I pretended to drink while she chugged down her "Lemon Rocker"". Instead of weaseling your way out of description and characterization, take the proverbial high road: "I poured the "Lemon Rocker" little by little into a potted plant while Rita chugged hers, all but oblivious to me and what I was doing." You may prefer a different sentence construction.

Here's another: "I decided it was best she didn't know the details." Try tightening the sentence by cutting the weasel "decided", which not only wriggles away from powerful writing, but also doesn't show us enough about the character. Ex: "Details of my life were on a need-to-know basis."

Overall, the excerpt was decent. The most glaring problems went deeper than the normal grammar and basic construction problems seen so very often on Y!A. Keep practicing.

Good luck!
How does my story sound so far??
I decided to write from the middle to get myself into the story. The character is Vanessa and she is incognito in a vampire bar. She is snooping around to spy on them. I'll post the link to the plot summary at the bottom of this question in a minute. Anyways here it is.
______________________________________…

I sat at the bar scanning the place making sure I wasn't being watched. Relax, I told myself. Be natural. I began to take a deep breath but paused. Did vampires breathe? I tried to remember it from the informational video Cris and Ambrose showed me. Think. Think. THINK!
"Hey!" I jumped slightly and turned to see a wild haired Spanish girl smiling at me. "I haven't seen you around here. Are you new?" I didn't know what to say so I simply nodded. "Well welcome to Las Vegas!"
"Thanks."
"My names Rita. What's yours?" I deliberated on whether I should tell her my real name.
"Selena." I decided it was best if she didn't know all the details. Besides, it wasn't like she needed to remember it. I was only incognito for this one night.
"Oh, cool name. But, um, if you don't mind me asking...what happened to your fangs?" ****!
My heart seemed to drop to my stomach and rebound into my throat. Fangs! How could I forget about the fangs? "Um...", I started. "I, uh, um..."
"I understand if you don't want to tell me. It being a personal question and all..."
"It's okay", I stammered. "I uh, don't know." She looked at me intently with a smile still on her face.
"Maybe it was the vampire that changed you. They must have been one of those half breeds. You know the ones who were born from a human. They're really rare though. Did you get a chance to look at their teeth when they were biting you?"
"No. I was too busy...screaming." She laughed lightly and I laughed nervously not wanting to look unnatural.
"Well it's cool. You're unique. Anyways you gotta let me buy you a drink! As a welcoming gift. My cousin owns this bar so I get free drinks all the time. What do you want? A-type, B-type..."
"Um..."
"Wait! I know! I should get you the Lemon Rocker."
"What's that?"
"It's O-type with a lemon vodka. Trust me. It's AMAZING!" My stomach churned at the thought of drinking blood.
"No, it's alright. I've already had my fill on the way here." Rita was already motioning to the bar tender to bring us drinks."
"I insist! Trust me there is nothing better than blood and alcohol. Plus, you need to loosen up. You look so tense."
"I don't know."
"C'mon. We're dead! Live a little!"
Kind of dumb, and you have quite a few grammatical issues, and some awkward sentence structure. However, you don't seem to be headed down the Twilight path, so that's nice.

I know this scene is built around a conversation, but it really wouldn't hurt to have more narrative.

Rita and Selena should hook up. Will they? A lesbian vampire story would make me smile.
How does this piece of my story sound?
I decided to write from the middle to get myself into the story. The character is Vanessa and she is incognito in a vampire bar. She is snooping around to spy on them. I'll post the link to the plot summary at the bottom of this question in a minute. Anyways here it is.
______________________________________…

I sat at the bar scanning the place making sure I wasn't being watched. Relax, I told myself. Be natural. I began to take a deep breath but paused. Did vampires breathe? I tried to remember it from the informational video Cris and Ambrose showed me. Think. Think. THINK!
"Hey!" I jumped slightly and turned to see a wild haired Spanish girl smiling at me. "I haven't seen you around here. Are you new?" I didn't know what to say so I simply nodded. "Well welcome to Las Vegas!"
"Thanks."
"My names Rita. What's yours?" I deliberated on whether I should tell her my real name.
"Selena." I decided it was best if she didn't know all the details. Besides, it wasn't like she needed to remember it. I was only incognito for this one night.
"Oh, cool name. But, um, if you don't mind me asking...what happened to your fangs?" ****!
My heart seemed to drop to my stomach and rebound into my throat. Fangs! How could I forget about the fangs? "Um...", I started. "I, uh, um..."
"I understand if you don't want to tell me. It being a personal question and all..."
"It's okay", I stammered. "I uh, don't know." She looked at me intently with a smile still on her face.
"Maybe it was the vampire that changed you. They must have been one of those half breeds. You know the ones who were born from a human. They're really rare though. Did you get a chance to look at their teeth when they were biting you?"
"No. I was too busy...screaming." She laughed lightly and I laughed nervously not wanting to look unnatural.
"Well it's cool. You're unique. Anyways you gotta let me buy you a drink! As a welcoming gift. My cousin owns this bar so I get free drinks all the time. What do you want? A-type, B-type..."
"Um..."
"Wait! I know! I should get you the Lemon Rocker."
"What's that?"
"It's O-type with a lemon vodka. Trust me. It's AMAZING!" My stomach churned at the thought of drinking blood.
"No, it's alright. I've already had my fill on the way here." Rita was already motioning to the bar tender to bring us drinks."
"I insist! Trust me there is nothing better than blood and alcohol. Plus, you need to loosen up. You look so tense."
"I don't know."
"C'mon. We're dead! Live a little!"
Very cool and don't worry about grammar right now. I've seen a lot worse on here.
The plot seems very cool and i would totally buy and read your book. I think its an interesting twist where the vampires can't tell that shes a human b/c most vampire stories vamps can smell human and hear a heart beat. So its a pretty original twist on vampire that's not taking it as far as Twilight where they sparkle...

good luck and i hope to read the rest someday

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